I'm pretty sure I was meant to live in Europe. You know, where chocolate is better, where everyone eats cheese & bread all day and where no one covers when they nurse. In fact, nursing covers will almost definitely get you a funny look or a raised eyebrow.
I love nursing, and because I love nursing, this may have been one of the most emotional weeks of my life. I'm not exaggerating when I say I've cried tears every single day since I stopped breastfeeding my sweet babe. I've nursed all four boys, but Indy, Indy is my champ. He loves, loves, LOVES nursing. I nursed him the longest at 18 months and I am sure he could have kept on until he was two.
Sadly, the reason for stopping feels somewhat selfish. Although I know now is the right time. You see, as much as I love nursing I cannot return to feelings of normalcy until I quit. My hormones have been running the show for a while now and I'm ready to feel like me again. They make me crazy, anxious, hungry, tired and sometimes even depressed. Curse you hormones.
Another difficulty I face is that I have a really hard time losing weight while nursing. Pretty much all four times I've nursed, I've consistently gained weight while doing so. I'm always starving and never full. Not a good combo. I can't tell you how many people have said, "Ohhhh, I lost tons of weight while nursing, I'm pretty sure you will too." ...Hail no. Not true. I'm four for four on this one. It's just not in the cards for me. Call it genetics. Call it being a hungry beast. Call it bad luck. It just never happens for me and is a constant battle.
I think one of the very hardest things I've been dealing with is that this time, my baby wasn't ready. He did NOT want to stop. In fact I've tried several times to wean him but was unsuccessful. I thought it was painful when my other babies were just "over it" and ready to move on to bottles and sippy cups. Of course that hurts your feelings to be rejected. But this, I was not prepared for tears and begging and a sweet little voice saying, "Mommy, snack snack?!?" and "Pwwwease Mommy!" It's not like it's bad for him. It's GOOD for him and makes everything in his sweet little baby world all better. Especially because he has never been one to find comfort in other things like blankies, binkies, stuffed animals or even a bottle. There's nothing I can comfort him with that can replace a warm cuddly boob full of milk.
I wish so badly I could remember and hold on to every sweet moment cuddling and nursing my babies. I have hundreds of pictures of us snuggled up nursing. It's those sweet baby eyes looking up at you as if to say, "Gee, thanks Mom and I love you." Gosh, I really do hate that good memories fade.
It's been painful, but I'm hoping that pain will fade fast. I know it will. I'm looking forward to being me again and excited to see my Indy Bear grow and thrive. I had to take a photo of the very last time Indy nursed. Maybe I've looked at it twenty times and maybe I almost give in every single day when I see it. I've held out though. The rough part is over and I can finally hug him without him trying to pull my boob out of my shirt. Go us. We did it.
High five to those who've survived the emotional roller-coaster they call weaning. Hugs all around girls.
The End.
Ahhhh so sweet. Youve got yourself a boobie man :)
ReplyDeleteI am with you I never lose weight while nursing... I am dreading weaning Weston but I still have a few months.
ReplyDeleteThat Weston is so cute!
DeleteReading this made me feel so much... you are an amazing story share-er, writer, photographer.
ReplyDeleteI can so identify with your conflict. Before I became pregnant, I was very healthy, being in the military, working out was a way of life. I only gained 25 pounds during my pregnancy. My delivery was perfect, my body was so strong, I spit him out like a watermelon seed. However, after, when all life as I knew it was over, life changed, my husband stopped talking to me, my job ended, I had no family support and no friends, I suffered real bad postpartum depression and gained lots of weight while breastfeeding.
My baby was never real clingy, my need to cuddle was always greater then his. He breastfeed every two hours, on the hour, 24 hours a day and became our greatest connection. Although it was a terrible demand on my body and I was hugely sleep deprived, the experience being a mother and sharing those days with my son remains the greatest joy of my life.
If I could put time in a bottle and only choose one moment to live over and over, I would choose those days we shared together and eternally would be bliss.
Now that he is grown, as a man he can't remember the time we shared together. That bond is now just a ghost only I can remember. Like a keepsake, your shared words brought me close to those days in thought, like jumping back in time. The loving memory of our bond, brought back a gentle sorrow of letting go.
Thank you for sharing.
You know I can relate to this!! It's so heartbreaking seeing their sad little face look at you like "what gives??" You can come cry toe anytime! On know exactly how you feel hench why I nurse my babies till 18 months too! They never want to stop. But hang in there it will get better. And life and hormones will go back to normal! Thank goodness!! These pics are beyond beautiful! Wish I took more like these! I will for sure with Leo now! Love you!!
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